My Testimony

My story starts when I was very young. Fortunately both my parents are Christians, so they provided that opportunity. I remember I used to pray every night before bedtime. At that time in my life I was two to four years old, and we didn’t have a church yet, but God was essential in my life. When my family settled down we found a small church around the corner from where we lived. I don’t remember much, since I was young, but I know I had accepted Christ at a very young age. The concept of God was easy to me, and in my mind everyone knew Jesus; it seemed unfathomable that anyone didn’t believe that there is a God and Jesus. But God was just something at church and Sunday school until one Sunday Christ became real to me. That Sunday we were supposed to memorize the verse Psalms 119:11, and I was the first to memorize it. I was so proud. I understood that the bible was God’s word and that it had stories, but I guess I never connected the dots because when I went home I wanted to see if this bible verse could actually be found in the bible. So being the proud little kid I was, I ran up to my room and before I could forget the verse I looked it up and there it was; “Thy word I have hid in my heart, that I might not sin against thee.” I was astonished that I was able to find such small words in such a big book. That moment I knew that this was all so real. I started looking up other verses and listening to the sermons at church. I was eight years old, and not the smartest kid on the on the block, but I was passionate. Ever since that day, that verse was my verse. I had it down like a song, and could recite it at anytime (and often did). There was something special about it. Until I was ten, I took the bible quite literally. Now, this wasn’t bad necessarily, but it did have some faults. I wouldn’t eat some meats. I thought that the Sabbath day was Saturday, and so I would hate going to church on Sundays because I thought I was sinning by doing so. All I wanted to do was obey God. I remember I would ask God into my heart on a weekly basis just to be sure I would go to heaven. That time in my life God and heaven were the only things I had in my plans; that was life for me. But then I got a little older, and then 6th grade came. I wasn’t the innocent little girl I use to be; in fact by the middle of 6th grade year I had depression. Nobody really knew, but I would act pretty crazy just to get attention and feel okay. My relationship with God had struggled, but I still played Christian. After the school year ended, I went to this place called camp. I was happy with God, and I played Christian, but I didn’t understand God and why I was always sad. Then my first year of middle school came, by that time I had realized I had depression and actually became suicidal. I didn’t think about God ever. I would even try to help with the nursery just so I didn’t have to hear the sermon on Sundays. All I wanted to do was die. I basically started sleeping all day and staying awake all night. I didn’t listen to my parents, and the goody good I used to be was gone. Every time I tried getting close or thought of God I felt as if he was so far away and it made me feel numb. This led to my self-injury. I knew girls who had self-injured, but for a while I didn’t realize what I was doing would be considered as self-harm. I didn’t realize it until somebody had brought it up. From that moment on, I had accepted it and it grew upon me and it became my addiction. I tried time and time again to stop. I wanted to stop but I couldn’t and it just got worse. Those days were the darkest because that passion that I had, all the good things my friends identified as me were gone. I was a liar, I was selfish, I was negative, I was not myself, and worse of all I didn’t even think of God, I barely even played Christian. I looked at people to help me to get over this and put it on other people. This went on for a year, but I won’t ever say I wish it didn’t happen because it made me who I am today and it showed me what I was missing. After many fights with family, friends, and myself, I looked to God. I stopped thinking about myself every minute and started thinking of others. I started looking at God, praying, and writing down what I was thankful for. I was fairly inconsistent with these habits at first, but eventually one day I was just done. I didn’t need to announce it like times before for the security, because I knew I was done and I would never touch another blade again. And I didn’t. I’m not quite sure what inspired me that particular day to stop, but all I know is I felt the presence of God with me. Things weren’t necessarily better at home or at school but I knew that those things shouldn’t determine my outlook on life. My eyes opened. I realized how many people cared about me and were worried about me, but most of all I realized how much I had ignored God and how much he cared about me. I stopped on June 4th 2012 and camp was soon. When camp came, it touched my heart. I remember staying up at night crying and recommitting my life to Christ. The theme was Strong and Courageous, which was exactly what I needed to hear since strength was a concept I constantly struggled with. When I got back home, I dumped my boyfriend that wasn’t a Christian because I knew he was holding me back from Christ and I surrounded myself with better Christian friends, even some that I had met at camp. I still struggled every now and then with temptation, but I was no longer depressed. When I was at camp, I told God that I was ready for any challenge that would come; I would never leave him like I did, and I would build a relationship with him. Initially, I thought family life was the cause of my depression, but they never really got fixed, in fact they kind of got worse. Fixing my family situation was not the solution to my depression. The solution was fixing myself, and not by myself, but with God. Letting him take my life, opening up to him, and building a relationship with him was the only way. I turned my life around that summer. I still have the scars I made almost two years ago, because they define who I am. If I hadn’t gone through that dark time in my life I wouldn’t have wanted to help people like I do now, I wouldn’t have been friends with some of my closest friends now, and I definitely wouldn’t have the relationship I have with God now. Today my life is definitely being lead by God. I am definitely not perfect all the time, but I try to talk about him and talk to him every chance I get. The thing I learned is what makes Christianity different from every other religion, a relationship. I always heard that and thought I had one, but I never did really apply it to my life until that dark time in my life. After that year at camp, life did get harder and I wasn’t always perfect with God. I stayed positive though and didn’t get discouraged when I would mess up. I went to God when I was having troubles and thanked him when I didn’t. I came back to camp the next year and of course it had a huge impact, in a different way though. During that week I had decided to forgive my father. We had a rough year. I had a lot of anger built in me about it. I decided I wasn’t going to be so afraid to take a stand and be a leader. Soon after camp I started a devotional group for teens at my church. A lot of Christian friends at my church had fallen away from God and were just getting back up. I wanted to keep them on track along with myself. To be there as Christian friends: a group that can give godly advice and strength for the week. Then when school came around, I volunteered to be a leader of the Christian club “One Voice”. I am constantly trying to be a better person and improve myself. God is still working on me and I am still building that relationship with him. I think God just wanted to make me stronger. I couldn’t be a leader if I had no strength and depth. You know that mountaintop high you get at camp and then it’s like a cliff a few months after camp, the one where you barely think of God?  I won’t let that happen to me. I’m going to stay on that mountaintop and not fall off by living though God every day.